I Am Most Home At Sea

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 00:32:48 GMT

I know that everything will fall into place in it's own time. I can't say for sure what might have happened if I was still at home, I just know that for some people I worked to make their situations more bareable. I had good intentions, but it inhibited their personal progress. Now that I'm not home, they must seek out other options, they have to rely on themselves, and this is a good thing . It's nice to know that in spite of all of this, I'm still missed. It makes me feel validated................wanted.

There are still some things I can't help but miss. Everything I ever glued to my heart is causing me pain because I'm too far from it, and my will is stretched across an entire continent threatening to tear my very heart out of me, but I dont regret this. I know that if I always intend to return, it puts less strain on me. Time isn't a factor, but promises are. Of course i'm not going to be away forever, but nothing is urgent. I won't die. The work I put into getting back there will only prove my love for that place and the people I love there.

I want to tell him so badly that I still love him, more than that, I may even still be IN love with him. I keep thinking about the possibilities of us trying it again, and at first it seems a pitiful situation, but after a while it just proves that love keeps on trying and it never gives up. I really don't want to give up. I'm not going to stress the issue, but if it cycled around again I wouldn't throw it away. I'd try not to miss it. It deserves another shot.

We used to be different, and we lost sight of who we really are. When little glints of our old selves shine through, it makes me so happy I want to cry. I appreciate it now more than ever. For the first time I am without everything that I took for granted, and everything I do to return to it will prove that I'm no longer ungreatful.
I'm also coming back more fortified with values reinstilled and morals readjusted. I realize now that nothing is forever, and that I should enjoy what I have while I still can.

To Face the Devil in You

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:36:55 GMT

Denying what you feel always brings about disaster for your heart; to think it a dream or something that should pass. It passes sooner than you think and leaves you desolate, because when it pains you so much that you have to try so hard to put it to the back of your mind, it ends up being all you have, an without it you wither away into nothing........or what feels like it, because you'll never want anyhing else again after that.

I still pain for you sometimes. It feels like I'm slowly starving.

We wronged eachother at the same level, but only one of us really deserved it (me, of course). You came to me with nothing but a broken heart and a longing for me to be the end of it. I could have, should have done that. My first sign should have been that fact that you knew more about the right thing than anyone I was waiting for, and that instead of pining for people who failed time after time to return and appreciate the love I had invested in them, I should have made you aware of just how right on tack you really were, before you strayed so far. Now you have no chance. Now you are blind, and it's my fault.

There is no growth for you anymore. You will not be able to sleep and because of who you are, the thought of there being something not right will never leave you. You know better. Didn't you notice when I gave up dominance? When I had begun to respect your gentle manner? Remember the days when you were so careful not to disrespect me. When it was nothing but a twitch that let you know what was agreeable and unacceptable. You could always read my eyes, because you were always searching them for approval. I wanted to give my consent so badly, but it was distrust that got in the way. I didn't think you'd ever do me any harm, but I knew that I had the capability of hurting the both of us. It was a disbelief in myself that made me want you to leave me. I know now that I was your only hope. I think she does a worse job taking care of your heart than I ever could. I love you so much more than she ever will, because I not only love you, but also what you know. Do you remember what you told me? About the identity of deity? Do you have any idea how much truth you hold? Even moreso than I, because you figuered it out on your own. No society of fanatics ganged up on you and convinced you, as they did me, and you defeated my doubt that arose from that memory. I love the knowledge of Godly truth in you, and that qualifies me and you as the right thing. You are lost otherwise, because there's no one there to encourage you anymore, and you only continue to sink until you disappear under the muck of deciet. She is a manifestation of lies. If I called her out this moment, she'd have to confess it. I would, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to resist being fooled again, but not by her........by YOU. You are her instrument against me now, and you have always been my sweetest downfall. It's you I can't resist or deny. If you asked...........it would be so fucking hard not to obey, and seeing as how you're her bitch..........obeying would definitly fuck me over. I need fortitude. I need to return home stronger than I am now. It's a blessing to be stranded out here. It's true I a weak and crumbling without the things that I loved so much, that gave me strenghth. I'm away from the sea, from my music, my inspiration, you, and my home, but if I can survive a while without these things, I will be stronger for it. If I learn to live steadily without the sea, imagine how strong I'll be when I finally see her again. Imagine the power I will feel when I let her waves engulf me, when I let the kelp wrap around me,when I let the sand caress me. I will be mpervious. I'll be a foundation for you. That's how I'll prove my love. I'll see you again............in a while.

Come Away

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 00:36:20 GMT

Were it not for my coming here, would I have even had these thoughts wich change the situation at home? Distance plays a part in realizing the things that need to be done, an the fact that I DO need to settle some matters. They don't, however, worry me as much as I thought, for when I called to obtain information from my former light, he didn't appear to miss me. I see now that he may never again illuminate me as before, and that certain measures need to be taken so that I can be seen again, but not through him.

I think now that maybe I may have held that love too high in regard. I do feel, though, that perhaps when I return, look upon him once again, I'll think highly of it again. For now, though, it's dust. I've been reminded of my initial goals, dreams, although I pain to use that word because these days dreams are all but unobtainable. I just want to feel something again, and not have to doubt it. I doubted what I felt for him and I am sorry for it, but I realize that I am not the first. The symbol that I saw was possibly my own ancestor, if not in blood than in expierience. She was not like the rest of them or even you now. She was like me. I'd never say that I was the only one, yet if I knew of you I'd say she was like US. There must have been someone else who felt it to that depth. It's novel, rare, and extremely hard, but it's often thought of. I feel so far removed from it right now, yet I am in the same place that she was. She might have walked where I sit now, it's so very possible. They might have held eachother in this very spot. Only when I am on the opposite side can my feelings parallel her's from so long ago, and the outcome is the same. The only difference is............she was so much more noble than I, and that is why he loved her so much deeper than anyone ever loved me. That is why my visions failed, because I am a worse person, my crimes are deeper. To better say it, I am far more corrupt. How can I turn back? How can i cleanse myself of all that I've seen? What's been fed me since one nightmare upon a time? I know what when i do this.............I will feel it. He will be here, and it will happen. It may fall apart, but that is because of who I am. It's the same heart that she carried, and it weighs inside me. It still bleeds, and it will never stop.

Ancestor I pray you give me guidance. You understand what I feel above all on this earth. Your spirit is my code. Show me what to say.........tell me which it is. Love is most wanted,and most bitter to taste...........yet even after...........still craved.

Letter: "I Don't Need A King I Just Want You"

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 05:42:02 GMT

There was something I was feeling the very first time I saw you. It made me want to leave you be. For a moment in time I had forgotten all bitterness and vengeance within me and was content to just admire you for what I saw sitting in front of me. Even as you sat beside me, as close as only drunkeness would allow such strangers, I accepted the fact that advances were slow. I wanted to love you, even if love meant letting you go that very evening, letting you dream your dreams, without me interfereing in any way. Of course I would never admit this outright, because deep down I knew what you were. I came up with every excuse possible to not excuse you for being a male. I was both right and wrong. I am damned with contradiction within myself. I kept telling myself it was all only because I felt sorry for you, yet I know now that it wasn't that at all. I admired you, and I wanted you to do better than me. Guilt was eating me up inside, the reasons that I was even there in the first place. I was drunk, I was out to make anyone with a weakness in lust and impulse to suffer in what small way I could, and I knew I was wrong for it. I said yes to you because I just wanted it all to stop.

I indeed WOULD have left you alone, but you wouldn't have it. You loved me from that very first moment, and you were free to say it the moment you knew. I was astounded at how a complete stranger could say those words within the hour of having said so few other words in prelude. I figuered it was just because you were drunk and/or influenced otherwise; yet even after the dizziness wore off and reason flooded back into our heads with the morning light and the songs of early birds, you still said you loved me. Even with smeared eyeliner and a no longer even skintone, you still said that I was beautiful, and you continued to kiss me, as if you were so afraid of losing the moment, that you were compelled to suck me inside of you so that I'd be forever lost within you. I think that deep down I wanted the same thing, because it made me sick to wonder if there was a reason to leave you at that very moment. I couldn't reason that I was afraid to get stuck with you, otherwise I would have disregarded your feelings. I just didn't want anything to force me to choose. That is why you tempt me above all to let go of that which I guard more closely than anything, because it means the fight is over, and I can rest.

I continually wish with all my heart and tears that I could go back to the first days that we were together; the days when you loved me so much that you couldn't leave my side for even a moment, that we continued to kiss, and with every kiss draw more of eachother into ourselves so that it was all we would ever need in the world to just be together. It WAS love. It changed my views of companionship and gave me a sense of peace like I had never felt before. It was neither greater nor less, just a different feeling. I wanted the world to know, yet at the same time, I wanted to keep you a secret. I wanted you to be something I wasn't supposed to want, but in rebellion and unwillingness to conform, enjoyed anyway. It wasn't because I was ashamed of you, like I had originaly thought.

You gave me a sense of not being alone. You heard me like no one ever had before. You at least partialy understood my views and philosophies, and yet you were everything I ever wanted to be in the way that you made it simplified and relatable. They called you scum after the deed was done, but they don't know who brought it on. They don't know how compatible we are. The don't understand that I am not a victim, I am a predator. I've hidden it so well.

I never said I loved you; not in the way that I should have, not until I was already feeling like I was starting to lose you did I let those words leave my lips, even then, I would think back and try to decide if that's even what I really meant, or if it was a last attempt to keep one of my mild comforts within my reach at any convienient moment. You would ask me over and over again if I thought that you were a good person, and I always replied "yes" while comparing you to myself, which I fear has little hope left of having that classification. The moment I knew that you had betrayed me, I began to say "no, not particularly". I remember just before I started to lose you, you would tell me you loved me, and you would expect a reply that I never gave. I could see the heartbreak in your eyes, yet I underestimated you in the way that you could get back at me for my heartlessness and inaffection. I'm sorry I was so cold to you. Very soon after it was when you'd tell me that you loved me, that you seemed as if you wanted to cry, but not because I wouldn't return it, but because of guilt and fear that you no longer deserved to have it returned. My unresponsivness, I know now, made you feel unwanted. I might as well have rejected you outright by not saying it back. I wish you could have understood how hard it was for me to just openly give affection. Now that I think back on it, I rarely kissed you on my own, it was always you who had to initiate the romance, all until you had begun to slip away. Heartbreak is among the most evil, and it was me that inflicted it on you. It was me that drove you to seek comfort where it was near. That's when you broke your promise. That's when you cheated, and it was me that fucking drove you to it! I'm sorry baby.........all you wanted was to feel wanted. I see that now. I wish with all my heart that I could turn back the clock and give you what you deserved in the beginning, for loving me so easily despite hardly knowing me, for not passing judgement on me when all my flaws began to be revealed. I understand that sometimes, though, some flaws are too much for ANYONE to handle. It is then that sacrifices and changes must be made for the sake of your loved one, so that they don't end up having to carry all your shit on thier shoulders. That's what they do when they love you, regardless of how much there is, and they get hurt in the process. I should have fixed myself for your sake. I failed.

You warned me that you were done having you heart broke, and I could see that you wanted more than anything for me to be the end of it. I was too stubborn, though. Sometimes I didn't take you seriously enough. I regret that. I recall one night when I was feeling particularly doubtful of you, we were laying on your bed, and you drew me into your chest and held me tightly for a long time. I lay there listening to your heartbeat, and suddenly you began to twitch. I asked what was wrong, and you told me that I had given you "heart shakes". I assumed you were just being wierd and I felt almost like laughing at you for being overly dramatic, but you told me something was wrong, you tried to let me know that this was a time when emotions where so overwhelming they were starting to display themselves physicaly in the form of these "heart shakes". I didn't understand until after you broke my heart. The day you dropped the bomb, I expierienced the very same feelings. Never in my life had I felt such a gut wrenching, chest pounding emotion. Never had I expierienced "heart shakes" until that day.

It's not enough to just admit I was wrong. When I told you, that day at the beach, that you were a forever kind of person and I was a "for right now" kind of person, I was wrong. I broke your heart first that day. I tried to act preoccupied, but in utter humility and shame I confess now that I could never have brought myself to leave you. I'm even starting to doubt that I would ever have left you for my other great love, the one man that I would drop everything for, he could very well have been given up for you. What they say is true, you never really know what you have until it's gone, and now that I am pitiful and without you, I realize that I am nothing. I realize that you are my everything.

I fear that it's too late. I think that I've lost you. You're a far cry these days from the person that you used to be, and seeing as how your diffferent, your feelings for me have changed as well. I don't think you love me anymore, and I guess now that puts me in your shoes. Karma is a bitch. I keep on getting what I give. I knew it was wrong to be cold like that and bitter and unemotional and unloving, but I was so bent on feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my misery that I lost out on the love I supposedly cried for being without. The worst thing about this is the fact that I could have prevented it, had I only softened my heart a little and put aside my hate for your kind (men). Now I'm sitting here all kicked aside and dejected. I have one last shot, and I feel like I'm going to fuck it up. I had a good thing and I didn't appreciate it when it was all for me. I ruined a man's chance at being good and living a better life than the one he exchanged it for because of a broken heart, caused by me. He is now rotting in sin and idleness. He get's kicked around and forced to be someone he's not, all for just even a fake feeling of being loved. I denied him of something real. I had all the capability and capacity of it, and I fucked it up for us both. We could have been happy. Baby we can still be........if you'll only come back. Please come back.......I'm lost without you.

I promise that if you do, I will love and respect you with all my heart. I will be anything and everything you want me to be. I will give you equaly what you give to me, and I will not swindle you out of a chance to live right. I'm so sorry for what I have become. You are my motivation to reverse this mutation. You are what keeps my eyes toward the light. You are salvation from acting on the vengeance in my heart. Had I only appreciated you, I would not be back to the brink of losing everything I guard so passionately. I am slipping away now that I am without you, and so are you. Your falling into something that is in no way condusive to you being the good person that I know you are. You are better than that. I know you to be so much more. I can't stand to see someone with the knowledge you have go to waste. You are enlightened in ways I don't think your fully aware of, and I'm a fuck up for not letting you know that the moment I saw it. I screwed you over, babe. I have to spend the rest of my life, if that's what it takes, undoing it. It's my responsibility.

The only reason that you are still there is because you feel down on yourself, but it was me that put you there and I want you to know that I feel just as bad. I am no better than you are in this situation, so don't feel like you owe it to me to put me away from all the nonsense that goes on inside you. I like it when you tell me what I already know, what's going on, because then I know that YOU know. We are the greatest of friends, you've said that yourself. I pray that it doesn't change.

I feel so hopeless right now. I know how stubborn you yourself can be and I pain to think that nothing I do or say will ever be enough to win you over. Maybe this is that part where the change of character for a loved one's sake comes in. I can change for you. I can make you want the light again. I can already see that your getting tired of being in the ditch, but I don't know if your ever going to realize that to get through the gate, you have to leave everything behind. You'd be surprised to find what relief there is in letting go of some things that can wear us out because we don't want to give them up. They are like gold bricks. They are an object of greed and lust, but they weigh heavy and can keep us from getting anywhere. I know you, my love, want to get somewhere. You keep talking to me about it. You keep telling me how unhappy your situation makes you. Will you do anything about it?

This Is Where They All Come From

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:25:31 GMT

I've been reading my past entries and I feel sick to discover that I asked for what happened to me. I refused to give in to my emotions and because of it, I got exactly what I thought I wanted. He left me.

Yet I remember mentioning that it's only when I spend too long without him that I realize how much I take him for granted. It eventually just went too far. Sometimes I blame him for changing and becoming a person completely different from the one I was with in the beginning, but I realize now that I played a part in changing him as well. I failed to see that he was also at the end of his rope, and that we were so very much alike in the spiritual sense, both going crazy, both so depressed with questions about right and wrong, and losing sight of what love really is.

I'm not sure at this point if it's too late, or if it's even worth trying to get him back. He doesn't make me feel good anymore, he makes me feel like shit. I guess the relationship he's in now, though, has got him at a parallel to my feelings. I can't stand the way she treats him, yet it's not often that he sticks up for himself. I pray that one day he gets fed up with it and does what's good for him. Yes, it's true, he betrayed me, but he's only human and it was my fault as well. I'm willing to give one of my best of friends the exxtra chance, and wether or not he takes it is up to him. I love him, though. I can say that without hesitation or remorse now. I wouldn't really be able to say exactly why, because we were only together a little less than two months, but there was a reason I has said YES after four long years of not responding to that question at all.

Look At All the Lonely People

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:59:11 GMT

It's been a month now that I've been with him, and I've only recently made it official. Half of it was because I had been strung out on pills for three days straight, and half of it is because a real attachment is starting to form. Still, I've got my doubts, and I'm sure the attachment factor is only due to various chemicals affecting my behaviors as a result of a natural urge to monogamize myself. Sex still isn't in the picture, though, I'm proud to say. I remain an "innocent" virgin.

Still, I'm not done freaking out. I feel far too young and as if I'm not done looking for "the one" yet, even though he's pretty convinced that that's what I am. He keeps saygin that he's going to marry me, and it's scary. I'm sure that the unreturned "I love you" is a painful thing for him, but it's impossible for me to say it, because I neither believe he truly feels that way, nor do I feel that way, at least not in a romantic way. Sometimes I find myself greatly disappointed, and I want out of the relationship, but I can't bring myself to leave him. Sometimes I just wish he'd leave me, and If I suspect a disinterest starting to form on his part, then I welcome it. I'm so over this. Then again, sometimes, it's hard to sleep alone.

Fuck Forward

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 18:58:15 GMT

Everything is all jumbled again. I don't really know how to feel, or what I feel, but I must care because I'm being cautious of his feelings. I don't want to hurt them. I'm confused again and I don't really know if this is all. I'm at that point wether I want to take the first offer or see if there is a better one, and whatever I choose, there's no going back. This make me scared.

Everything felt fine for a while, but the doubts started clouding my head again and it all feels so rushed. I don't know if it's because it really isn't supposed to happen like that, or if it's just me. I guess you could say all the heartbreak I've caused is coming back at me. It's only been one damn week. I'm very uncomfortable and antsy and I really want out, but I don't know what the future outcome of that will be, and I don't want to fuck it up. Responsibility for anyone elses heart hasn't really been my fort`e. I'm not sure if this is the path I should take, because it's not what I expected and I wouldn't call it ideal, but the question is wethere or not my ideals are too far off the scale, or that I don't deserve it at all to live idealy.

I know! It's because there is no love. I'm not in love and it's bothering me. There just isn't anymore energy in me to spend on trying to fall in love or make love happen, so I'm having a meltdown. I'm being over-worked and I want to quit already. I never meant for this to be a quest for love, I only wanted a temporary fix for loneliness. I was done falling in love a long time ago, after the first time, and the second time was so very unexpected and unlikely, the it was the last time. I don't even know how I managed it a second time, that was a miracle in it's own, and will likely never come around again. It was my last chance, but they still linger over my head as if to say that "someday" I'll end up ok. I can't though if I settle. I hate to use that phrase, because I sound like a bitch, but maybe that IS what I am. From day one I've only been out for myself, but it's easier that way. I wouldn't give it up. Only if I was in love, which I'm not. I'm cold and heartless and you failing to see that is your own fault. I will hurt you, and though I won't mean to, I will hurt you very soon. Just proimise me you can be happy again, becuase I know how it feels to never feel the same.

Dedication of a Night Drive

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 02:21:34 GMT

I went for a drive this morning, very early, just passed midnight. I took one of my best friends along, and her boyfriend. The company was nice to have, and yet I hardly spok to them. I was caught in an unrelenting trance. I sat at the wheel, just watching the road race underneath me, and with that image, the thoughts in my head corresponded.

Every thought registered, one by one. I sorted them out in my mind like they were on a converyor belt passing by me as I inspected my deep feelings. I contemplated everything that has been going on in the past few days, and how utterly surprising this week has been. Everything happens for a reason, so I pondered the reasons things seemed to have been working out in one aspect, and stubbornly evading me in others, such as my driver's license dodging me obtaining it for the fifth or sixth time. It was a lesson well learned, and for it, i'm less of an arrogant fool. The other things being how there was someone new in my life helping me to raise my confidence and the drive to keep chasing my goals. For a moment I was beginning to think I was a failure, but with the help of a new found friend, I no longer believe that. I feel so much better, despite my doubts in the beginning, and it doesn't matter what happens next, I've learned to once again live life as it is now, good or bad, I am in THIS moment, and the past is behind me, the future is assured, whatever it may be.

I owe you thanks, Nataackpaq (that's my new name for you). I doubted you at first, and although I'm still cautious of you, I realize that I DID miss you, and perhaps I don't appreciate you enough when I'm with you. I aim to change that, somehow. I know the reason, though, now, that I wasn't so sure of this, and how suddenly you've increased in value to me. You've given me things, and it's only fair that I return that somehow, on the same level. It makes sense, too, when I do. Also, it's not as hard as I thought it would be, because it's fair. It's right, and it's orderly, and when someone is so deserving of something, it's given them without doubt, because having given no more than what's properly due, I feel no regret for it. Thank you.

Like Ocean Wave Patterns

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 18:56:25 GMT

This has been a strange week, filled with so many unexpected things, random moments, and questionable outcomes.

I'd met someone the other night, and the very next morning he asked me out. It was so wierd to hear someone ask me that, because no one had asked that question in such a long time. I impulsively said yes, but I later started to wonder if I was really ready. I didn't think that I was, because I've been out of the game for so longe, and not only that I've been pining for two other dudes who are just too preoccupied. It would have been ideal to have someone to hang out with while other things in life are pending, but he was under the impression that this was going to be a permanent thing. When I realized this, I heard tires screeching inside my head. I suddenly felt seasick. The last thing I would ever want to do it hurt someone who had been so sweet to me in the time I was with him and made me feel so good about myself, all the while having admirable qualities himself, but I had to hit the brakes and just say, "Woah, slow down!" So I suggested we stay good friends for a while and see what happens. So far I feel so much better, and although I'm still wierded out and baffeled by everything that's been going on, everything feels ok. I'm glad that he was ok with it too, and I'm coming to find that this very well has alot of potential to work. I'm more comfortable than I had expected in previous days.

I still have my precautions and I'm a little hesitant. I'm only testing the waters at the moment. Can you blame me? I haven't done this in four years! I don't even know if I have what it takes to be a good person anymore, considering all the things that have embittered me. I'm no longer capable of unstrained affection, or showing that I care. I don't really know how sometimes. It was only four years ago I was more fit to commit than anyone, and now, though I'm suprised to say it, commitment, or even monogamy, scares the hell out of me! I panic sometimes, but then I realize that this is in God's hands, and somehow everthing will work out. Even if things fall apart and make a turn for the worse, there is always a good lesson that is learned from these expieriences. Still, there are some values that I regret having turned from..............

The Virgin Slut

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:07:40 GMT

I don't understand why everyone is working against me these days. There are worse people in the world, but somehow they've managed to do alot better than me. Is it really as definite as good against evil, or simply the weak against the strong.

If you look at it, it's not really bad things just happening to bad people, like it should be. Bad things happend to good people, but only a certain kind. The kind that let themselves be taken advantage of. The passive, submissive, nice types who really are just too darned goody goody to retaliate when something messes them up. I guess I was that sort of person, but it was less because I was a goody goody, and more of the fact that I'm too apathetic and contrary to fight back. Fight back against what? Your guess is as good as mine. It's just that order and pattern of life that moves it's little arrow in on anyone who isn't blocking it. It has nothing to do with who's good and sho's bad. Of course, the bad people get what's due to them, but alot of times their punishment is the ONLY thing they get. They've always been happy in their badness before that, that's how they've managed to stay that way for so long. As for those who haven't been bad for quite so long, they used to be nice people, but then they got used and abused and so they let a little evil in to "pump up", and resist being used anymore, by means of shooting down everything in sight with even the slightest potential of hurting them. Maybe that's why my spirit has started to dip into the dark side. I'm tired of being alone in everything. I've always had to save myself. When I needed something badly, when I ached for it, I had to get over it on my own. No one ever just stopped for a moment to offer a remedy, because nobody cared. I couldn't win the heart of one person, so I had to simply get over it, cure myself without the medicine, and that's only one instance. Now I just want to avoid it all together, avoid being to weak to even let these ailments in. They make your heart too soft, and it starts to bleed profusely. I don't want to be open and vulnerable anymore, with everything inside on display. You know exactly where to get me, so that it hurts. It's a damn blessing for me that you're kind, but not THAT kind.

Can't I?

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:18:47 GMT

The dreams continue to present themselves epicaly and exciting. It's these sort of dreams that spur my writing and my ability to produce a better story. The only hard part is what I am able to remember. At the moment, there are a few things that I'm sure have leaked out of my mind and dissipated.

So far, though, I recall this great dream I had last night about glitches in the video games and the strange things that occur sometimes when they happen. Two girls, I think myself and a good friend, were playing video games and it so happened that through a glitch in the game, they were actually sucked INTO the game, and foced to play it in the first person. It was rather terrifying, because even when I'm playing normally, having too big a screen or being to involed, my surroundings looking too much like the game itself, scares me.

The storyline was all very intriguing and included me purposefully invoking a glitch and making someone angry.
Imagine a continuous torrent of rain falling down, and the air is cold and all you want is dry shelter, but beneath everything the rain falls from above, and it's not water, it's blood. That's what was happening. It was unbelieveable.
And it didn't stop until I faced my enemy.

When the idea is fresh in my head it's alot larger than life, but when it sits too long in my brain and I start to overthink it, it gets ruined. For once I'd just like to finish the stories that I start, and not worry about wahtever sense they make. I don't really believe that they have to make much sense at all.

Baby, Can You Feel the Electricity Between Us?

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:38:00 GMT

I've been having alot of wierd dreams lately. They're cool, though. For a while I wasn't having any good dreams. When I have a good dream it's like a gripping movie and they are so fun to have becasue they feel so real, but stuff that happens in dream is just like stuff that only happens in movies.

I usually rely on my dreams to give me messages and answers to what's happening, or going to happen, in my life. They usually reflect what I want deep down, symbolize aspects of myself that I need to be aware of, and maybe even give me a little hint as to what's coming next (precognitive dreams). The dreams are getting better, but out of no where a certain person from my past appears. I used to love him a great deal, but I've sort of drifted away from that feeling, and it's wierd to think of him as anymore than a friend or the role model that he was in the beginning. Why is he still in my dreams? And why, in my dreams, do I still consider him when it comes to love and matters of the heart? Why do I think of him when there's a commital decision to make?

He only appeared briefly in my mind in the first dream, but last night practicaly the entire dream was about him, and I tried to give it a happy ending, but like most dreams about him, it remains unfinished. In this particular episode I was his guide on an excursion in the mountains. Our relationship was the same, distant, uneasy, and unacknowledging of one another, yet there's still that thing the air that says, "You know you were supposed to end up together, but you fucked it up." It makes us think for a moment that we should try again, but then we remmeber that we just don't feel the same anymore, and the confusion starts when question start whirling around. "Are we supposed to feel the same again? Is there something wrong with us? What will happend if we don't make THIS happen?" I start to miss the more simple days, when we could take things as they were at face value (inside pun ;)). I still love him, but I haven't wanted him for months. So why am I dreaming about him? I rarely even think about him anymore. It's so random and it bothers me, because it hurt so bad, that I just wish I could put all of it behind me.

Not Good Enough

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 21:09:30 GMT

I'm still a little uneasy. I don't like not knowing what's being said about me, but at least it's only one person now that's a real threat. I don't know how far she'll spread this, though. I don't think she normally would be so vengeful, but I am so guilty.

I didn't eat as much today. I don't plan to. I don't want to look fat and ugly in my clothes.
I know that they say you should accept your body in it's true form, but this isn't my true form. It's actually extrememly unnatural. I once had a coach tell me that my frame was too small to be carrying the weight that I had put on from bodybuilding. Still, I like the way bodybuilding helped me do my part in feminism. THE RIGHT WAY. I never intended to be so bulky and muscular that I looked like a freak or like a man. Part of feminism is being completely woman, and not haveing to do it a mans way. I feel that in a way I accomplished that, but now I've gained a bit of weight since I stopped training, and I desperately want to get it off me. I know it's because of this American way of living that worships food, and I never want to look like one of those people who can hardly breath or so much of anything, becasue they got fat from eating so much. Also, I want to look good when summer comes. I don't want to have to be self-concious about how I look in less clothing, and I refuse to spend this summer the way I did a long time ago when I was still wearing sweatshirts in 90 degree weather to hide my body. I wasn't very attractive at all, and I know that some men state the contrary, but men really do like slimmer women, or at least a woman that doesn't look like a potato.

When I used to roll with my buddy, Jayme, she was always the hot blonde who got all the attention right off, and I was the hook, the "personality" if you will, but who do you think was first in line to get the boy? I'm tired of taking the back seat.

I had the most wonderful dream last night. I dreamt that I woke up one morning and my body looked AMAZING! It was so ripped, not too skinny, but just right, and it wasn't too soft either. That's one thing I hate about some women's bodies, they're so.......sqwishy. It felt so good and I was able to wear everything in my closet and I hooked up with this really hot guy and it was like, the best dream EVER. Anyway.......let's get started on making that dream come true, shall we? It's back to strenuous kickboxing and staying away from FOOD. People are always bashing anorexia, but you have to admit, there is some benefit to it. Would you rather look like Kate Moss? Or would you rather look like an elephant?

Easy

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 18:20:39 GMT

Forgiveness is a magnificent thing. Unfortunately alot of the times I'm even forgiven is because I manipulated it that way. I know how to make anyone forgive me, so if you haven't yet, it's because I don't want you to.

Some things shoulldn't be excused, and for the first time I have comitted one of those acts that can never be forgotten. My friend called me out last night. I know she want's so badly for me to feel bad about what I did, and I really do, but I'm not going to try to convince her. It doesn't help in this case. It just draws this out longer than it needs to be, and since I definitely don't see the trust ever cmoing back, it's better to just end it. I'm used to playing into the things people tell me are wrong with me, even if it wasn't a problem to begin with. If the accusations continue, I don't know how soon it will be that they become true. I know she hates the way I react to her anger. I'm usually submissive and calm about it, but only toward her. She expects more of a fight, she thrives on conflict, always contrary. I say one thing, and she either immediately shoots it down or states the other side of it, even if she agrees with me.
I know it's an insecuirity of hers, and that's what makes the thing I did so bad.

As I've said before, I'm most worried about my rep being soiled. I don't exactly know why I'm so apathetic to not being friends with her anymore. I've always felt that she was expendable, but more because we are both so independant of each other, she's not one of those people that need me around. I'm the same. In fact I think we do better apart, because as she's a fire sign, and I'm water, we don't get along anyway. I wonder if she'll ever call back, or what she'll say. I sensed in her tone a bit of a need to repremand me, but all she did was hang up after the truth was confirmed. I wasn't going to deny it, or argue my point. When someone is as mad as she is, there's no reasoning with them.
Again, the consequences are limited. If she takes me back, then fine, if not, also fine. I just don't want her convincing others to feel the same way about me that she does. I didn't do it to them, it was her exclusively, and with good intentions. Still though, it's all the more reason to get the hell out of here.

Admitting My Weaknesses

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 06:50:55 GMT

Even though I feel incredibly guilty about some recent things, I am still getting an amazing amount of support from people who love me unconditionaly. I've confessed to everyone my terrible deeds, and yet they seem to understand the good intentions that I had at heart. These people are very aware of how messed up I am, and they are here for me, as I learn to make myself a better person.

There's hope for me yet. I think sometimes though, that things were too perfect. When everything seems to be going right for me, I get uneasy and I fuck it up. It sacres me to have so much to lose, and people get jealous or they start to depend on me too much, leaving little room for error. I try to be imperfect to disenchant people. I'm out to prove to people that my life isn't one to be envied, and that you wouldn't want to trade places with me. I screw myself over intentionaly.

I'm not done paying for the things I've done, but I am getting a slight pardon. I'm most worried about the wrath that I've invoked in certain people. I'm going to be hated because I did something terrible to a very well liked and innocent person. There are going to be alot of people who will want to back her up. They're going to either shut me out or come after me. I'm a little scared. None of this was intentional, but I will hardly get to explain myself. I'd feel wrong though if I tried to build up an army to counter them. I have a twisted cause, and I'd rather be wrong on my own.
I'm less worried about me, and more about the people I love getting involved. I don't want my dad or any of my remaining friends to have to deal with the shit I've brought on.

Captain Morgan

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 02:33:31 GMT

I got drunk last night, and with that came alot of confession. It wasn't just from me, but two of my girlfriends that were with me. It was all a very warming and comforting expierince. We were all on the same levels, exposed, and trusting.

I confided in them about that way I had been sexually attacked as a child, and how it affect me later, leading up to the terrible things I had recently done to the people I loved most in the world, and to all the issues with my mentality.
They now know that I have a split personality.

I also told them another secret. It was not too long ago that I was at a friend's house, and he had the upper half of a scary, demonic, and chilling figure. It was red, with an evil gape, like it was roaring, and it had long crooked, outreaching fingers. It was so sinister and diabolic, that my best friend Shadie was severely bothered by it. I was too, but it didn't show as much. Every time I passed it, It gave me the chills. On it's finger was a little ring. It looked like something that had come out of a bubble gum machine, with a little green gem in the middle. I took it. I don't know why, but I slipped the little ring off it's finger and discovered that it fit mine perfectly.

Later that evening I noticed how envious of it Shadie had become. She took it from me once to examine it, and seemed hesitant to return it. I wondered why she was so interested in a little piece of crap ring, on which the gold paint was rubbing off and exposing the pinkish, brown metal underneath. I assume that that's copper.

After that night, that's when life just went to shit and I lost both of me most best friends in the world. The evil things I had done to them had been exposed. That night I binged, I cut myself, and I cried. I deperately wanted to drink something. And that didn't start until today, but it seemed that every time I removed the ring, there was a moment of comfort, and things would start to lighten, but I put it back on and I began to feel terrible again. I didn't sleep with it on.

Last night I drank half a bottle of rum and felt like I was going to throw up, but never did. I just woke up with one gnarly hangover. I went with my friend Lacey to the beach, and it was there that the subject of the ring reemerged.
I think it started when a cloud above me took on the unmistakeable form of a skull, wich reall freaked me out because it was a perfect skull just floating above me in the sky. I tried to get Lacey to look but she missed it. The skull became distorted. "Maybe it's that evil ring of yours that's causing scary stuff to happen," she said. So I took the ring off and the cloud scattered all together.

I turned the ring in my fingers, staring at it. Lacey took it from me to examine it. The wierd thing was, though, that when she threatened not to give it back and throw it away, I became very bothered by that. I don't know why I cared so much about that shit ring, but I wasn't ok until I had it back on my finger. It's freaking me out. My mom called me later on to chat, and I told her about my dad seeing a scratch on my arm that I said I didn't remember because I was drunk. He was irritated that I was THAT drunk. My mom's tone changed and told me that she sensed that I was being evil. She's right in so many ways. Still, though, the devil doesn't tell me what to do. He's no influence. i think the evil is all ME.

To Hell With the Key of C

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 18:56:55 GMT

I find that as time goes on, there are more things that I miss. I hate how nothing ever stays.

We are always changing, dropping everything along the way and never going back to pick it up. These things are so dearly missed in the end. I just want for some things to last. Some good, warm, comforting, and stable things.
It's not just me that put's them out. Alot of these moments I shared with people I loved, but they never stop changing as well, so when I try to revisit the good days, i'm often by myself in this effort. So I just float along, without any real destination.

I went to an interview yesterday, and now the suspense is killing me. There's not much to do right now. I've been taking a long time off, because I knew I would have to stock up on some relaxation. I appreciate my boredom.
It means that nothing is pressing me and I'm not being smothered. Stress wouldn't be good for me right now.
I'm clinicaly depressed and consumed with a bunch of other mental issues. I don't believe that any amount or type of medication is going to solve my problems. These things originate in the soul. So I'm not going to take anymore drugs.

Today is a strange day. There's a heavy presence of anger in the air. I'm not angry, but it feels like someone is.
I've been by myself the entire day. Another strange feeling is for the first time in a very long time, I'm not in love.
I don't qite know what to make of it, the reason for it, or where to go from here. I'm sure that in some way I've been freed, but I don't know where to go. Like I've just broken out of jail, but I'm surrounded my miles upon miles of deep water.

The Last of Us

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 14:14:43 GMT

I don't know what to think of myself as, right now.

I've done some evil things lately, things you should never porpousfully do to a friend, and yet I did it because I loved her.

I hate men. Naturally I want them......I tempt them.....but I never live up to my promises. None of them deserve it.

I didn't want to give another man the satisfaction or abusing one more girl's emotions, especially not one of my best friends. So I hurt her instead.

I think I hate them just a little more than I love you. Shadie.

I would do anything to keep him from her, even if it means putting myself between them. He doesn't deserve her. If she found a good man who truly took care of her and loved her, then I'd leave him alone. This is my sick and twisted way of loving and being a good friend. I steal their boyfriends. I betray them. I stab them in the back, all for the sake of keeping them safe from bad men.

Am I a bad person?
I've completely mutilated the concept of love.
I've combined it with evil.

Not Gonna Happen

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 02:19:42 GMT

I spent alot of time thinking that the cure for an illness is what makes things better, but it never got better. It didn't even change in the slightest, not until I learned to accept my ailments and progress with them. They're now more like an appendage. Sure, it would be easier without the weight of an arm to carry around, bt and arm is so useful, and with that advantage your much more of a threat.

Being schizo isn't a disorder, it's an enablement.