There was something I was feeling the very first time I saw you. It made me want to leave you be. For a moment in time I had forgotten all bitterness and vengeance within me and was content to just admire you for what I saw sitting in front of me. Even as you sat beside me, as close as only drunkeness would allow such strangers, I accepted the fact that advances were slow. I wanted to love you, even if love meant letting you go that very evening, letting you dream your dreams, without me interfereing in any way. Of course I would never admit this outright, because deep down I knew what you were. I came up with every excuse possible to not excuse you for being a male. I was both right and wrong. I am damned with contradiction within myself. I kept telling myself it was all only because I felt sorry for you, yet I know now that it wasn't that at all. I admired you, and I wanted you to do better than me. Guilt was eating me up inside, the reasons that I was even there in the first place. I was drunk, I was out to make anyone with a weakness in lust and impulse to suffer in what small way I could, and I knew I was wrong for it. I said yes to you because I just wanted it all to stop.
I indeed WOULD have left you alone, but you wouldn't have it. You loved me from that very first moment, and you were free to say it the moment you knew. I was astounded at how a complete stranger could say those words within the hour of having said so few other words in prelude. I figuered it was just because you were drunk and/or influenced otherwise; yet even after the dizziness wore off and reason flooded back into our heads with the morning light and the songs of early birds, you still said you loved me. Even with smeared eyeliner and a no longer even skintone, you still said that I was beautiful, and you continued to kiss me, as if you were so afraid of losing the moment, that you were compelled to suck me inside of you so that I'd be forever lost within you. I think that deep down I wanted the same thing, because it made me sick to wonder if there was a reason to leave you at that very moment. I couldn't reason that I was afraid to get stuck with you, otherwise I would have disregarded your feelings. I just didn't want anything to force me to choose. That is why you tempt me above all to let go of that which I guard more closely than anything, because it means the fight is over, and I can rest.
I continually wish with all my heart and tears that I could go back to the first days that we were together; the days when you loved me so much that you couldn't leave my side for even a moment, that we continued to kiss, and with every kiss draw more of eachother into ourselves so that it was all we would ever need in the world to just be together. It WAS love. It changed my views of companionship and gave me a sense of peace like I had never felt before. It was neither greater nor less, just a different feeling. I wanted the world to know, yet at the same time, I wanted to keep you a secret. I wanted you to be something I wasn't supposed to want, but in rebellion and unwillingness to conform, enjoyed anyway. It wasn't because I was ashamed of you, like I had originaly thought.
You gave me a sense of not being alone. You heard me like no one ever had before. You at least partialy understood my views and philosophies, and yet you were everything I ever wanted to be in the way that you made it simplified and relatable. They called you scum after the deed was done, but they don't know who brought it on. They don't know how compatible we are. The don't understand that I am not a victim, I am a predator. I've hidden it so well.
I never said I loved you; not in the way that I should have, not until I was already feeling like I was starting to lose you did I let those words leave my lips, even then, I would think back and try to decide if that's even what I really meant, or if it was a last attempt to keep one of my mild comforts within my reach at any convienient moment. You would ask me over and over again if I thought that you were a good person, and I always replied "yes" while comparing you to myself, which I fear has little hope left of having that classification. The moment I knew that you had betrayed me, I began to say "no, not particularly". I remember just before I started to lose you, you would tell me you loved me, and you would expect a reply that I never gave. I could see the heartbreak in your eyes, yet I underestimated you in the way that you could get back at me for my heartlessness and inaffection. I'm sorry I was so cold to you. Very soon after it was when you'd tell me that you loved me, that you seemed as if you wanted to cry, but not because I wouldn't return it, but because of guilt and fear that you no longer deserved to have it returned. My unresponsivness, I know now, made you feel unwanted. I might as well have rejected you outright by not saying it back. I wish you could have understood how hard it was for me to just openly give affection. Now that I think back on it, I rarely kissed you on my own, it was always you who had to initiate the romance, all until you had begun to slip away. Heartbreak is among the most evil, and it was me that inflicted it on you. It was me that drove you to seek comfort where it was near. That's when you broke your promise. That's when you cheated, and it was me that fucking drove you to it! I'm sorry baby.........all you wanted was to feel wanted. I see that now. I wish with all my heart that I could turn back the clock and give you what you deserved in the beginning, for loving me so easily despite hardly knowing me, for not passing judgement on me when all my flaws began to be revealed. I understand that sometimes, though, some flaws are too much for ANYONE to handle. It is then that sacrifices and changes must be made for the sake of your loved one, so that they don't end up having to carry all your shit on thier shoulders. That's what they do when they love you, regardless of how much there is, and they get hurt in the process. I should have fixed myself for your sake. I failed.
You warned me that you were done having you heart broke, and I could see that you wanted more than anything for me to be the end of it. I was too stubborn, though. Sometimes I didn't take you seriously enough. I regret that. I recall one night when I was feeling particularly doubtful of you, we were laying on your bed, and you drew me into your chest and held me tightly for a long time. I lay there listening to your heartbeat, and suddenly you began to twitch. I asked what was wrong, and you told me that I had given you "heart shakes". I assumed you were just being wierd and I felt almost like laughing at you for being overly dramatic, but you told me something was wrong, you tried to let me know that this was a time when emotions where so overwhelming they were starting to display themselves physicaly in the form of these "heart shakes". I didn't understand until after you broke my heart. The day you dropped the bomb, I expierienced the very same feelings. Never in my life had I felt such a gut wrenching, chest pounding emotion. Never had I expierienced "heart shakes" until that day.
It's not enough to just admit I was wrong. When I told you, that day at the beach, that you were a forever kind of person and I was a "for right now" kind of person, I was wrong. I broke your heart first that day. I tried to act preoccupied, but in utter humility and shame I confess now that I could never have brought myself to leave you. I'm even starting to doubt that I would ever have left you for my other great love, the one man that I would drop everything for, he could very well have been given up for you. What they say is true, you never really know what you have until it's gone, and now that I am pitiful and without you, I realize that I am nothing. I realize that you are my everything.
I fear that it's too late. I think that I've lost you. You're a far cry these days from the person that you used to be, and seeing as how your diffferent, your feelings for me have changed as well. I don't think you love me anymore, and I guess now that puts me in your shoes. Karma is a bitch. I keep on getting what I give. I knew it was wrong to be cold like that and bitter and unemotional and unloving, but I was so bent on feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my misery that I lost out on the love I supposedly cried for being without. The worst thing about this is the fact that I could have prevented it, had I only softened my heart a little and put aside my hate for your kind (men). Now I'm sitting here all kicked aside and dejected. I have one last shot, and I feel like I'm going to fuck it up. I had a good thing and I didn't appreciate it when it was all for me. I ruined a man's chance at being good and living a better life than the one he exchanged it for because of a broken heart, caused by me. He is now rotting in sin and idleness. He get's kicked around and forced to be someone he's not, all for just even a fake feeling of being loved. I denied him of something real. I had all the capability and capacity of it, and I fucked it up for us both. We could have been happy. Baby we can still be........if you'll only come back. Please come back.......I'm lost without you.
I promise that if you do, I will love and respect you with all my heart. I will be anything and everything you want me to be. I will give you equaly what you give to me, and I will not swindle you out of a chance to live right. I'm so sorry for what I have become. You are my motivation to reverse this mutation. You are what keeps my eyes toward the light. You are salvation from acting on the vengeance in my heart. Had I only appreciated you, I would not be back to the brink of losing everything I guard so passionately. I am slipping away now that I am without you, and so are you. Your falling into something that is in no way condusive to you being the good person that I know you are. You are better than that. I know you to be so much more. I can't stand to see someone with the knowledge you have go to waste. You are enlightened in ways I don't think your fully aware of, and I'm a fuck up for not letting you know that the moment I saw it. I screwed you over, babe. I have to spend the rest of my life, if that's what it takes, undoing it. It's my responsibility.
The only reason that you are still there is because you feel down on yourself, but it was me that put you there and I want you to know that I feel just as bad. I am no better than you are in this situation, so don't feel like you owe it to me to put me away from all the nonsense that goes on inside you. I like it when you tell me what I already know, what's going on, because then I know that YOU know. We are the greatest of friends, you've said that yourself. I pray that it doesn't change.
I feel so hopeless right now. I know how stubborn you yourself can be and I pain to think that nothing I do or say will ever be enough to win you over. Maybe this is that part where the change of character for a loved one's sake comes in. I can change for you. I can make you want the light again. I can already see that your getting tired of being in the ditch, but I don't know if your ever going to realize that to get through the gate, you have to leave everything behind. You'd be surprised to find what relief there is in letting go of some things that can wear us out because we don't want to give them up. They are like gold bricks. They are an object of greed and lust, but they weigh heavy and can keep us from getting anywhere. I know you, my love, want to get somewhere. You keep talking to me about it. You keep telling me how unhappy your situation makes you. Will you do anything about it?
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